December 9, 2019
10:18pm
The day started off in a shaky fashion. I slept way past the alarm. Partly because I didn’t want to wake up and face the day because I was in a dark, dark place. I know there are many energetic reasons for unexplained dark feelings, but it always throws me for a loop. Like how can I wake up feeling so terribly after a really good night’s sleep. How can I be in a really dark place before I’ve even opened up my eyes? I tend to have a hard time shifting that sort of energy, so I was expecting my day to be a write off. A day spent trying to be gentle on myself while just surviving the 13 hours till I could go back to bed.
We got up and got fed, snuggled on the couch while I carded wool. Then I got on the meditation pillow. I’ve been procrastinating on the meditation/yoga/qi gong/energy work/any sort of serious self care. I’m really shut down at the moment and in a depression. If I stop and think about what is going on in my life, I literally can’t cope, so I keep myself shut down. But I like meditating and know that it is decidely beneficial for my brain. The last couple of times I have sat down to meditate, my mind has not been able to slow down at all, so I went in with curiousity to see how it would go. I played the heart chakra singing bowl, smudged, then as I often do as part of my meditation, I ran my hands over my body repeating over and over, “I love you nayelli alethia!” I was wearing my bathrobe and tights. I ran my hands over my breasts, cupping them in my hands, and got instantly aroused. So I included some self-pleasuring in my meditation. I don’t self-pleasure a lot, but for the last few months, when I do, as I orgasm, as the feel good hormones race through my body, I repeat over and over, I love you nayelli alethia as a way of reprogramming my neural pathways. There really is no better time to flood yourself with love. It was beautiful.
About 3 years ago, my chiropractor turned me onto a free 40 day online meditation event. Partway through it, Mom got sick and started chemo and I took off to a cabin in the bush without internet. I ended up buying a download. It was my first introduction to meditation outside of contemplative christianity type stuff. I found it very powerful and started it again this morning. The mantra was I Am. “I Am” has religious conatations for me and makes me a little uncomfortable, and while I was silently repeating it, the image of Jesus on the cross flashed through my mind. My first instinct was to immediately shut it down. But I’m wanting to deepen my intuition, so I need to flow with what ever wants to come up. Nothing other than the image came up after I allowed it back.
When the meditation was done, I felt like I needed to keep going, so I gathered up my spirit animals. The all stood facing inwards today. The buck towards the east, the bison on the north and the south, and Charles the bald eagle behind me to the west. Harriot lay beside me. Joshua and Papa were also to the east. I have been feeling a strong connection to the bison for sometime. They came up so their heads were butting up against my arms. Not their noses, but their entire heads. We sat there like that, and I continued to contemplate I AM in relation to the bison. What message did the bison have for me? What could I learn from them?
I am of substance
I am solid
I am needed
I am stalwart
I am ancient
I am protector
I AM
I am wisdom incarnate ( i don’t know what this means.)
I am life
I am gate keeper
Protector
Solid
Unmovable
I was lost but am coming back
I have always been
Wisdom never lost for those who sit and wait
Gatekeeprs of knowledge
of lost tradition
of a way of life
I am bison
My energy shifted and I had a good day. Papa texted me early afternoon and said there was work for me at his shop, so I made lunch then made my way there. I move slowly. I almost never rush. I’m not late for things, but getting ready for something takes me forever and a day it seems like. I have a hard time going with the flow. And changing course midway causes tsunami’s! But I got there eventually.
Papa needed quite a few trailers moved from one lot to another lot about 2 miles away. The first 2 were no problem. The third trailer’s jack was frozen into the ice. I managed to get it out, but then the tires were frozen in. Someone came out to help and we worked on it for quite awhile. We pried the tires out of the ice, but then the truck wasn’t able to pull the trailer out of the ruts. And with new RV trailers surrounding us, we needed to be careful with what we did. I got it to the other lot, worked for a while at getting it 3′ away from the trailer beside it, made sure it was in a straight line with the other trailers because Dad is a stickler for such details, and by myself I just am not able to do a good job of it. I unlatched the hitch, unhooked the safety chains, dropped the leg on the jack, then tried to turn the jack handle to raise the trailer. I couldn’t budge it. I walked around the back of the trailer and noticed the dealer plate had fallen off. Sheesh, this trailer was seriously cranky today. I had no choice but to take it back to the shop and leave it there for the mechanics to look at it tomorrow.
Another day is done. It was nice to have something to do. It was even nicer that I felt able to do to it. I had the energy, both physical and emotional.
It’s off to bed for us now. The boys are already tucked in and silently slumbering. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, remember that you are loved. Take a moment to sit with that love and then pass it on!
truth and love and the darkness inbetween 