poor…but safe and warm

December 8, 2019
9:58pm

I am ending the weekend feeling so discouraged due to being triggered over money. I am living on $340 a month plus whatever I make from my crafts and odd jobs. BUT… I am only allowed to earn $200 before social assistance takes 70% of it away. I live the best life I can on so little, I try really hard not to dwell on the meagreness of my existence. But sometimes the dam springs a leak and the facade crumbles. What would my workers do if they had to live on $340 a month? What would they do if they were nothing but a number? Do they care? How can anyone work for such a broken system and sleep at night?

I’ve changed up the boys food because they are both experiencing digestive issues and I’m fixated on Hephzibah dying. I know that dried dog food is HORRIBLE for them, akin to human’s eating McDonald’s every meal. It hurts me to feed them that food, but I can’t even afford to even have dog’s or a car, or to even feed myself, so fuck this shit. They are now getting meat for both meals, which is more money. But there was no direhea today, no puking, no straining and straining on numerous bathroom trips outside. I can’t take the boys to the vet.

I need a hug. I need to be held for a long, long time.

I honestly don’t really think of myself as poor, but I am, and it’s a burden I live with every day. I have for the past 20 years. Some years have been better than other’s. The past year has been one of the leanest. To add to the messiness of it all, I heap shame on myself because I feel like I spend the little bit of money I have irresponsibly. That almost makes me laugh. A lot of my clothes are ratty, I’m living off the care package Witchy Sister put together for me this fall, I gave up on budgeting because there just isn’t enough money to go around. I hardly have enough money to contemplate spending it irresponsibly.

What can I do about it? I can’t change the system. I can’t be angry at my workers. I feel very little incentive to work at earning more than $200 month if I only get to keep 30% of it. I have such a hard time not letting my self-worth get caught up in this mess. Sometimes I think I should give up on my hobbies, they don’t cost me a lot of money, I made sure I picked cheap hobbies. But nothing is free. I can’t let go of the boy’s or Kat, but….. If I give up my car, I won’t have any life what so ever. There really is no tenable solution here. Beleive me, I know. It’s been 20 years of feeling so fricken trapped.

What else is possible? The only thing that is left is to examine this moment. I’m in a warm basement, in a room all to myself. It’s quiet, it’s safe. Sweet Sam is curled up beside me. I’m under a colorful blanket that I found at the thrift shop for $2. I’m on a laptop that I bought a 3 years ago with money I managed to save up at that point. I’m have a banana and almond butter for night snack. I get to make decisions as to what I’m going to eat, where I’m going to go, who I’m going to see. I just got out of a huge tub full of hot water. I spent the day working with raw wool, something I find satisfying. I am so creative. I keep trying and trying. This moment, I am ok. No, I will not be able to buy any christmas gifts. I will not be able to buy any new clothes for myself. I will not be able to do anything or go anywhere, anytime soon. But in this moment, I am safe, I am warm, and I have my boy’s.

I am a beautiful woman trapped in a fucked up situation.