December 6, 2019
8:30pm
I went into Lucille’s (our local cannabis shop) for the first time tonight, and asked for wrapping paper. When the owner looked at me funny, and I practically rolled my eyes at myself while wanting to disappear. Wrapping paper didn’t sound, right, but I couldn’t think of the correct term. I told him I didn’t know the right terminology but wanted to make a joint. He said, “oh, you want rolling papers! I thought maybe you actually wanted wrapping paper for presents.” I told him he could laugh at me if he wanted to, a good mennonite woman who doesn’t know what the heck she is talking about.
I take a few puffs out of a bong every night to put me to sleep, but I find it irritates my lungs. Whenever I smoke a joint, I never feel that way, so I want to try rolling my own. I really should video tape me trying to roll the first one, it’s going to be an amusing disaster.
I spent the afternoon at Sparrow’s cozy little store. I took my crafting shit along, spread everything out on the table and made cards and envelopes while sipping some Om Shanti tea. I walked in needing to weep. In physical pain from having a moon time from hell. In emotional pain because I’m obbsessing over one of my four legged babies being sick. I’m starting to have a hard time sleeping at night because I think he’s dying. I’m not ready for him to die. I need him. I need him so badly. I’m not ready to go off the rails again. To do a deep dive into grief that I never really seem to recover from. To have little emotional support as my boy dies a slow death. I CAN NOT go through this again. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!
Why do I have dogs? Why do I have a cat? Why do I allow myself to get attached to anyone? Why do I keep seeking out new people to replace the ones who discard me? It would be easier to go through life alone. Utterly and totally alone. To know with unwavering doubt that there will be no more losses. No more sickness and death. No more pain and heartache that I can’t heal from.
I lie in bed at night, not sure how I will kill my baby when the time comes because there is no way I can watch him slowly die without killing myself. Thinking that maybe I should kill myself before this goes any further. Life is a fucking mess. I’m a walking wound. Raw and oozing. Infected with all the pain I pick up from Mother Nature, from people, from animals. If Hephzibah is actually dying, life is going to turn into a shit show.
I’m not meant for life in this cruel, fake, disposable society. Where everything is about easy. Where everything is about the bottom line. Where most everything is a lie. I’m meant for truth and love. As much as I want to be totally alone, I know I’m not meant for that either, and that really hurts because I can’t find community. I can’t find friends that last. I’m a lone wolf who is dying of lonliness.
There are a lot of can’ts in my life at the moment. So many of them having to do with being incredibly poor and being chronically exhausted and never feeling well physically. I don’t know how to go about transmuting any of my shit into positives. Gratitude has lost it’s magical presence in my life. I wander through each day as if lost in a deep fog. No purpose, no energy. Lacklustre and hurting. Keenly feeling each one of my losses. Lying awake at night constantly saying, “stop” as an unwanted, terrible thoughts try to roll through my consciousness. I need help, help takes money. I’m too tired to keep trying to take care of myself. My self-care has drastically decreased. My connection to my spirit animals and the angels has diminished like wisps of smoke. I’m here on earth putting in time. Waiting for my end to come. Most days it doesn’t seem like it will be soon enough.
No matter how dark life is, there is always a multitude of things to be grateful for. Sweet Sam is sprawled across my lap as I’m typing. His fluffly fur sticking up wildly, his legs akimbo. Hephzibah is curled up beside us, his nose tucked in under his paws. My babies are at peace for the moment. I watch them with never ceasing wonder. They are mine, and I am theirs. They are all I have. My life. I am thankful!
truth and love and the darkness inbetween 